Minus One-hundred and Fifty

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There have not been many days recently that I’ve just wanted to walk away from this whole experiment, but today is one of those days. I’m looking at the word count and the last thirty-four words have been more laborious than any I’ve ever written. The numbers on the screen tell me that I am minus 150 posts to complete my goal of writing every day for 365 days. Today, as I move in slow motion and the words come to my mind like they are creeping through molasses, minus one-hundred and fifty seems such a long way off.

I suppose I am experiencing a perfect storm in my creative soul right now. Writing seems like such a one way street and blogging can sometimes be even more difficult. Trying to form words to a virtual audience that may not really even be there is like speaking to an empty auditorium. There is no energy, there is no reciprocity, and there is no engagement. Having never really been disciplined with writing, I never realized the isolation and loneliness that can exist in this creative expression.

Any form of creativity creates this odd feeling of extreme vulnerability. When you choose to create, you bare your soul in a very intimate way. It’s like that recurring childhood nightmare I had where I would find myself at school – on recess, in the lunchroom, or even in front of the class – and realize I had forgotten to get dressed that morning and I was completely naked in front of everyone. I think I have often experienced that same feeling over the last 215 days.

The perfect storm comes to its crescendo in the one very raw and very intimate detail I experience almost daily. There is this shadow that exists in my life that desires to shut me up. A shadow that follows me and criticizes my words. It stalks me and attempts to silence my voice at every turn. It’s mission is to quiet me and my voice and bring me to a place where I will no longer communicate and express my thoughts.

So, piece together the loneliness and isolation that exists for me in discipline writing, the feelings of absolute nakedness in authenticity and vulnerability, and my shadow who desires to shut me up and it makes complete sense to me why I am in a fog today. I am reminded of some of Paul’s final words to the church in Ephesus. He was in jail and he was still trying to write letters to encourage people to persevere in their faith. He asked the church to pray very specifically for him.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

His words resonate with me today. I am going to pray this prayer for myself today and invite you to pray for me as well!

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