I’m feeling quite vulnerable this morning and have a confession to make. I confess that I, more often than not, act towards God as a selfish child. I find myself manipulating or demanding from Him exactly what I want and how I want it. It’s not the easiest confession. It does not reflect the transformation He has done in me, but instead, reflects the transformation still needed in me.
Recently, God and I have been entering a new season that seems to be about a deeper level of trust, dependence, and surrender. In many ways it is not unlike the process of maturity we go through in different life stages. Each change of life stage requires new skills, new knowledge, and new understanding. I am in a season of change spiritually and am certainly feeling the pangs of growth. In all honesty, this change is creating an angst in the childish places in my spirit.
The places in my spirit that desire to “have things my way,” which in my vocabulary really means I want everything to be quiet and peaceful. I don’t want to experience difficulty, pain, or angst. I want everything to be still so that we can enjoy the moment. I want to return to an innocence (or more likely ignorance, in my case) where God only sends sunshine, puppy dogs, and brightly colored rainbows. It sounds so childish coming off my fingers to the keyboard, but it is an honest expression.
Don’t hear me wrong, God is supremely good and infinitely generous. In His kindness, He desires to give us good things. It is my faulty thinking that seems to interpret growth (and all the pain it brings) as not good. It is my immature thinking that has me convinced I am going to arrive at a destination that will require no more growth, no more work, and no more sacrifice. I can get stuck in that thinking so quickly and unconsciously, even though it doesn’t reflect the truth of my character. I relish in the process of growth and thrive in the truth that the journey is the destination…and yet I experience angst!
The words of Job to his wife, while she was in her own angst, resonate with me today…
But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”
I find myself now, after confessing and hearing the truth, at a place where my heart wants to say, “I will take it ALL, God.” I want the growth You want for me, in spite of the tears in the process. I want the transformation You still have for me, in spite of what I have to surrender. I want the maturity you want to bring me, in spite of the difficulty it brings. I want to know deeper trust in You, regardless of the fear that creates. I want to walk with you on the journey and enjoy every bit of what each moment brings.
Where are you this morning? In that place of angst wanting things your way? In a place of being prepared to accept ALL of what God has for you? Somewhere in between the two or on another path? I’m interested to hear!