This week I found myself in a swarm of chaos. My partner and administrator has been gone for several weeks now, and while I thought I was managing alright, that bubble was burst! I’ve been balancing a house of cards since she left and I finally came face to face with that reality. I had become so disorganized at work, I could not even think! I finally hit a wall and realized I had to do something about the chaos.
Chaos is one of those things that I both love and hate. I love the chaos of creation, artistic expression, and creativity. I hate the chaos of disorganization, stacks and piles of papers, or messiness around me. This week I found myself in need of the chaos of creativity, but was blocked by the chaos of disorganization! Everyone’s creative process is unique and has its own little eccentricities and I totally embrace the duality of mine.
The chaos and ensuing battle with it this week, took my mind on a journey about how chaos related to recovery. The road to recovery is long, difficult, and sometimes lonely. It is not a path that has road markers, signs, or maps. It is unique to each individual and is often filled with roadblocks, potholes, and chaos along the way.
In order to heal, recover, and be restored, we often have to go to incredible depths in our hearts and souls. I have yet to encounter a fellow traveler on the road to recovery that didn’t find a disturbing and unknown chaos in their own soul. It can be alarming. It can be a shock to your system to discover things about you that you never knew. It is unnerving to discover faulty thinking systems, destructive behavior patterns, and unknown feelings and emotions. Coming face to face with the chaos in your own soul can be the most difficult part of recovery.
For those brave souls who travel that road, discovery always leads to change. It is impossible to see your own reflection of chaos in a mirror and not desire to combat it. When we see how our chaos has effected us and those we love, we recognize the need for recovery in a powerfully tangible way. It becomes like that annoying stack of papers on the kitchen counter that you can’t ignore or avoid any longer.
The decision I made for myself this week in regards to my chaos at work was profound…I asked for help! I wonder if you stopped for just a minute and identified the areas of chaos in your life…what would you find? Do you need to ask for help?